Apparently I have this blog. It's been a long, long time since I've written anything here, thought I've wanted to write things every now and then about various parts of my life. I never know the right format, however, to share the feelings that settle on my heart, nor do I know if my thoughts or feelings are even of sufficient value to justify turning toward them and thus away from "work," "others," and whatnot. But here I go.
So where to begin. I honestly don't know how to state the very thing that occupies my mind, the memory that is clouding my eyes with salt water and congesting my chest with pain. So let me just state it here, forthwrightly, clearly: my sister died a month ago and today I'm reliving every lost opporutnity I had to tell her how much I loved her.
In the Mormon tradition family is paramount and eternal, everlasting and foundational. I recall, as a young kid, regretting the thought that I'd be stuck to my family forever, hating the constant fights, the hurt feelings, the ever-present sorrow that seemed to infect my mom, the depression my father carried around like a bundle of bricks in a faded-blue backpack, my sisters with their insecurities. My sister--the sister who inspired this return to this blog and the one whose recent death lingers on my mind--felt similarly, though she shook off the constraints of theology to live with what she felt was more freedom. And at her death, I find no comfort in any sense of Mormon family continuity or anything of that like. But rather, I'm comforted by the realization that my sister lived her life rougher than a goddamn tornado.
I ramble. I'd like to say something more, something about pain, longing, love, but I'm led to this song to explain everything: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjecIllOEio
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