Bad Headpaces

I'm in a really bad head space today. I can trace it to a few things.

First, my entire Facebook feed is being inundated with my LDS friends freaking out about the excommunication of two Mormon activists who have tried to make their church more open to difference.

Second, I only have one week with T.J. before he goes to California, we both go to Utah, and then we see my sister get married.

Third, I feel at a total and complete loss when it comes to writing my fucking dissertation. It's a huge mess and I want to crawl in a hole and mumble profanities to the moles.

The headspace is made worse with the feeling of failure that haunts me right now. I feel like I'm unable to write and work like I used. A few years ago I could write and work and think and read and all of that shit without the least problem. Now, I get distracted every few seconds, letting my mind ramble to Facebook or Twitter or some other bullshit online thing. I need to work on my focus, obviously, and I need not let myself get pulled into mindless and inane endeavors.

Even as I write all of this out, I feel like I'm simply reinscribing my obsessive, Virgo-esque personality. Yes, I'm hard on myself and yes, I don't let things go lightly. But still, that has worked for me for so many years. How can I give it up now?

But I need to let go of unhelpful and unproductive dynamics. I guess? Well, maybe not. Maybe I need to bask in the uncertainty and waste of life for a bit. Maybe I should refuse to clean myself up each day, intentionally choosing to just be without the pressure of productivity and all its capitalistic bullshit.

So, moral of the story is, I have no fucking clue what it is I'm doing. Each day is the same bullshit of rereading some book, my mind never focusing on anything, and then at some point in the afternoon I sit in front of a computer and type words that never emerge into anything coherent. That's what I'm doing now, only the location is a crappily bourgeois coffee place called Caffé Bene right next to campus. It's seriously the worse place ever. Perhaps that explains my bad headspace and my throbbing desire to throw my computer across the room and break out into song.